Bettering Ourselves

As we push our bodies into better physical shape and develop our minds into more efficient operating condition, it becomes imperative to give our attitudes and behaviors a tune-up, perhaps an overhaul.

There’s a lot of emotional mileage inside us. Some baggage we need to toss overboard. This is a time in our lives to soothe our souls. Improve that intangible inner self. Clean up our act. Fine tune how we respond. How we think. How we treat others. How we look at life.

Getting older should mean getting better. It shouldn’t mean becoming more entrenched in our ways. More narrow in our perception. It should mean branching out, redefining our purposes, retooling our vision. It’s something we need to do not only for ourselves but for society in general.

“I think this is important in any phase of life,” says Dr. Greg Ketchum, a psychologist who specializes in work-place situations and employee relations. “but if you don’t have it together by this point of life, if you haven’t spent any time, and believe me there are people who haven’t, on self-reflection or self-awareness, your overall success and, more importantly, your satisfaction and fulfillment in life is going to be severely limited.”

The first step toward bettering oneself is to purge. Get rid of any poisonous behavior that has plagued you over the years. Tendencies that have created conflict, problems and hard feelings. We’re simply too old to be impatient, inflexible, judgmental, overbearing, temperamental or self-centered. It’s time for us to be a kinder, gentler generation. One that not only makes our lives easier but sets a better example for those younger than us.

It can be a mission for all Baby Boomers. Older age is the time to shake off the shackles of bad behavior. A time to learn from experience, to adjust expectations and attitudes. A time to garner some instant… as well as good… karma.

In its most dramatic form, such a soul shift can be monumental. A sea change. A major alteration of lifestyle and direction. Perhaps a shift in consciousness, the discovery of an inner being you didn’t think was there. The slicing open of a new facet of life. One that can help you get through middle age, a wrenching event or a difficult episode.

Nancy Parker experienced such an internal tidal wave. When she was 40, the mother of three sons was forced to move from Northern California to Indianapolis when her husband lost his job and had to find a new one.

“I left the varied life and landscape of the San Francisco Bay Area for the flat plains and routine ordinariness of the Midwest,” she says. “I could not hold up under this monumental shift and was promptly plunged into a debilitating depression. To sustain myself and care for my family, I went on medication and ‘went to sleep’ for three years.”

Then a lightning bolt hit while Nancy was unpacking boxes in her basement laundry room. She was listening to an audiotape of Thomas Moore’s book, Care for the Soul, at the time.

“I had what can only be described as a ‘St. Paul being thrown from his horse’ moment,” she recalls. “I was consumed by a flash of insight. The Teilhard de Chardin thought ‘I am a spirit having a human experience’ flashed through my mind.”

When she climbed the stairs that afternoon, Nancy felt her level of being alive had shifted. She didn’t know what awaited her, but she responded to the clarion call. She bought books and did research, following mental bread crumbs for a decade. They eventually led her to an interdisciplinary institute in Santa Barbara. Nancy spends three days a month studying there, on her way to obtaining a doctorate degree in mythic studies and depth psychology.

Nancy looks at life in a 180-degree different way. Now, no matter where she lives, Nancy’s life will no longer be ordinary.

“I spent this time wrapping my mind around ideas that I would have found odd at best a mere decade earlier,” she said.

Nancy’s change was dramatic, perspective-altering. For others, it can be a sharp turn on life’s path while maintaining the same outlook. A career change, perhaps. Or a desire to use one’s skills to help society rather than a corporation.

That’s what happened to Jim Welch, a Kansas City native born in 1954. He worked in the corporate world for more than 30 years, serving as an executive for Procter & Gamble and then Hallmark. He enjoyed his job, but when he turned 50 in 2004, he started looking for more.

“I had this strong desire to make a difference in people’s lives from coast to coast in industries beyond greeting cards,” he recalled.

So, Welch started his own speaking and consulting business. His message focused on leadership skills, in particular how people can become more effective leaders. Now, he addresses groups of 20 to 2,000 people year-round in cities across the country.

“It was more appealing in the end than sitting in conference rooms for nine hours a day, focusing on quarterly reports and budgets,” Welch says.

Not all changes have to be so dramatic. For some, a late-in-life shift can be more a matter of smoothing over some ragged edges. Roberta Alexander, an editor in her early 60s, is known for her quick wit and her willingness to tell it like it is – traits developed during her New York upbringing. However, Alexander says she has learned to maintain her useful tendencies while she tones down the less helpful ones.

“I am who I always was, a smart, funny, loving person with a gift for friendship. Age has not changed that” she says. “What has changed is some of the rougher edges have been rounded off. I am less sarcastic and have less need to be proven right.”

This stage of life for Baby Boomers doesn’t need to be solely about shucking off bad habits. It can also be a time of discovery and renewal. As people get older, they tend to have fewer responsibilities and more disposable income. This frees up time and provides funding to do some of the things you’ve always wanted to do. Things you didn’t do because you were tied down by a job or were busy raising families or simply didn’t have the money. Grabbing such an opportunity is important for people as they get older.

After he turned 50, Ketchum decided to learn French, taking a class once a week. He had studied German in college and always admired the French language. He felt it was a good opportunity to take it up.

“I always wanted to do it and if not now, then when. I also felt like I needed a new challenge,” he says. “It makes me feel like so much more part of the world, more connected on a higher level, I guess.”

Marc Pepin returned to a youthful passion as he neared the age of 50 when he decided to tune into his musical talents at a late stage in life.

“I always wanted to be a drummer and play in a band,” says the Sacramento County elementary school teacher. “I didn’t have the discipline to learn how to play as a kid, but the desire never left me as I got older.” So, Pepin took a few lessons and spent five years practicing stick patterns and basic routines. Then, he met a couple guys who were looking for a drummer to round out their trio. They’ve been playing together ever since at small clubs and restaurants in Northern California. Marc hasn’t quit his day job, but his evening gigs provide more than just a little extra money. It allows him to tap into a yearning that’s been inside him his whole life.

“I’m a big believer in the adage that it’s never too late to learn something new,” he says.

MariKaye Cunningham, a Florida law enforcement employee, plans to heed that advice. Now in her mid-50s with two teen-age children, she’s hoping to step onto an artistic path completely different from her current occupation.

“I know I have some hidden talents. I just don’t know what they are,” she says. “Can I paint? Who knows. Can I do other art work? Who knows. I need to rediscover myself and my talents.”

Doing such things is not just a way to fill time. It’s a way to fill up one’s soul. To put some substance into your life after you’ve left the working world or as your career winds down.

“Every day you must take advantage of anything that gives you meaning,” says Paul Palmbaum, a retired psychiatrist. “It’s a way of assuring yourself you have significance.”

Actor Pierce Brosnan may have summed it up best. While talking about advancing in age, he told Life magazine in 2005, “I feel like an old lion with a wonderful sense of liberation.”

A change in attitude is also a way of dealing with the downside of getting older. A lot of things will be thrown your direction after the age of 50. This is a way to cope, to roll with the punches. To make the best of the aging process. Part of life’s voyage.

“We’re here not to reach the top of the mountain,” says John Koopman, a San Francisco Chronicle reporter born in 1958. “It’s the journey. It’s what you learn along the way.”

Learning is a key to making the next 10,000 days shine. Baby Boomers can start this education by reaching out to the generation ahead of them. That group of people we blew off when we were young. Many of them are still around and most of them will still give us their time and wisdom, if only we ask.

Boomers should take advantage of this opportunity. Tap into the vast reservoir of knowledge bottled up in the World War Two generation. Pick those experienced brains before that generation disappears.

Take a few moments. Turn off the cell phone. Blacken the computer screen. Sit down in a chair, face to face with that person in their 70s, 80s or 90s. Ask them what they’ve seen. What they’ve learned. What they think of the world today. Answer them with a “yes, sir” or “yes, ma’am.”

If nothing else, Boomers might learn how they should approach life when they become the most senior people in this country. When they replace their parents’ generation at the front of life’s constantly moving train. What it feels like to be the oldest person in the room. What it means to be a tribal elder.

This behavior can also set a standard for how middle-aged people should treat the folks older than them. How to show respect for grandparents and great-grandparents. Give the younger portion of our population a primer on how we would like to be treated when our final years have descended on us.

Once this is accomplished, Baby Boomers can reach back to the younger generations. People in their 20s and 30s who are not necessarily impressed with the Baby Boom generation. People who cast a wary eye on the former flower children of the 1960s.

Katherine Mills, a member of Generation Y in her early 20s, feels the Boomers did a lot when they were young but then became self-absorbed and let the world fall apart. She is seriously concerned about the future, especially when it comes to global warming.

“I am really, really terrified I am going to see the end of the world when I’m old,” says the U.C. Santa Barbara graduate.

Katherine is looking for the Baby Boom generation to step in and start steering things in the right direction.

“I feel you guys did a lot as youths, but then you just got jobs as CEO’s,” she says. “You totally dropped the ball. Where have you been the past 20 years?”

Melinda Daly expresses similar frustrations. She believes the Baby Boomers dealt with a lot when they were young but then scaled back their activities as they got older and taught the country how to be apathetic.

“I do feel their generation gave up fighting,” says the new mother, who was born in 1979 to Baby Boomer parents. “Then, they taught their children not to worry about issues of the world and to just focus on what’s best for themselves.”

Melinda, a political science major from the University of Arizona, wants the Baby Boomers to use their numbers and their experience to make changes in society.

“I’d like to see all the Boomers get involved in current events once again,” she says. “I really believe if they joined the fight, issues such as Social Security, health care and education would be a higher priority.”

So, how do we bridge this gap? How do we make a connection to relay this knowledge and experience?

First and foremost, we need to accept our age as well as act it. That doesn’t mean we sit in a rocking chair on the front porch or starting yelling at the kids to “get off my lawn!” Quite the contrary. We can provide a sterling example of people who are older and wiser but also still active and current. But we need to start by acknowledging the fact we are no longer young.

“No matter how much you exercise, color your hair, get Botox, dress trendily or whatever,” says Alexander, “to people who are 25 or 30, you are old. This is just a fact. Get over it.”

Once that is established, we need to gain the confidence of Generations X and Y. And we won’t accomplish this goal by preaching or lecturing. Listening, once again, will be the key.

Dr. Ron Ellis, a veteran psychologist, says it’s vital for Baby Boomers to sit down and listen to younger folks.

“I think that everyone likes to be heard,” he says. “It seems to me the first place to enter any kind of dialogue is to make sure that I hear from the younger generation before I offer any thoughts or ideas. If they feel heard, I assume they are going to be more open to hearing me.”

For some younger people, the feeling is mutual. They do feel a connection with the generation ahead of them, the one that sought and made changes in the 1960s and 1970s. For starters, age is not the same barrier as it used to be. With technology and medical advances, turning 50 isn’t the social death sentence it used to be.

Catherine Mann, a graphic artist and member of Generation X, feels she can talk more easily with Baby Boomers than she can with other older groups.

“It’s different than hearing from my grandma,” she says. “When I talk with my grandma, I don’t think she relates at all. I feel like I relate much more to the Baby Boomers.”

With the right approach, it is possible to gain the trust and respect needed to convince the younger generations to hear our words. It’s something many of them appear willing to do if they, again, are approached correctly.

Eric Harr, a professional triathlete in his mid-30s, says many people in his generation look up to the Baby Boomers. They admire what that older generation has done in the past and are “collectively waiting to see the Boomers step up.”

“I would love to see you guys harness your awesome power and numbers and do something significant as you live out your 10,000 days,” he says. “That, to me, would be, ‘Yep, I knew it all along. They were the dreamers. They kicked off all these things. They marched in the streets against Vietnam and, damn it, they’re back in action again.’”

So, are you ready? Prepared to take on this challenge? To show the world what we are made of? What we are capable of?

We have the experience. We’ve gained the knowledge. We’ve developed the perspective. We have the time. It’s now or never. Let’s rock ‘n’ roll.

Extract from "10,000 Days" by David Mills www.10000boomer.com

Bettering Ourselves

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