Adopting a win/win approach to relationship conflict

Relationship conflict is easier to create than to resolve, put another way, the time it takes to create conflict is shorter that the time it takes to resolve the conflict. Relationship conflict can occur when the following are present:

Strong negative emotions.
Misperceptions or misunderstandings.
Poor communication.
Repetitive negative behaviours.

Having an understanding of the unproductive strategies for dealing with conflict and how they can escalate, delay, and possibly destroy relationships can help us to become aware that these usually involve emotional responses which are likely to fuel disputes. Below are examples of unproductive strategies:

Avoidance
The use of Force
Blaming the other person
Minimization or disconfirming the other person
Manipulation.
Personal rejection.

If conflict is handled constructively, there are positive outcomes, and this can lead to new ways of looking at things and new ways of behaving.

When we use productive conflict strategies we deal with issues more productively, with less hurt and with a greater chance of resolving the conflict. Below are some examples of Productive conflict strategies:

Openness (a willingness to listen openly to and to react honestly to the message to others)
Empathy (trying to feel what another person feels from that persons point of view, to understand emotionally what another person is experiencing)
Supportiveness (using descriptive messages rather than judgements or evaluations, avoid preaching accusations or blame)
Being positive (using positive rather than negative messages e.g. instead of negative "I wish you would not ignore my opinions consider the positive "I feel good when you ask my opinions" and look for the positive in the person and compliment it.
Equality (an attitude or approach that treats each person as an important and vital contributor to the interaction)

The outcomes of handling conflict constructively, are more attractive than conflict handled destructively, depending on which approach we use conflict can be positive or negative. Some common conflict habits are:

Withdrawal - (the silent treatment, resentful)
Suppression- (acting ignorant, ignore differences to keep the peace, bottle up feelings)
Win/Loose - (setting out to prove the other wrong, shout, attempt to outsmart them.)
Compromise - (avoidance of clash of wills, friendship is maintained no matter what.)

One approach that is appropriate and likely to give a positive outcome is the Win/Win approach. The basic principal of the win/win approach are as follows:

Considering what I want and what the other person wants.
Acknowledging needs, my own and the others.
Respecting the relationship.
Having the belief that for me to win, it is not necessary for some-one to loose.
Being concerned with what is fair.
Moving towards a solution that includes as many needs as possible.

The key steps for a win/win approach are as follows:

Step One
Find out reasons for needs, why people need what they need.

Step Two
Find out where differences dovetail.

Step Three
Explore options.

Step Four
Work toward co-operation, and solutions that benefit every one concerned.

Using a win/win approach to relationship conflict can lesson distress and hurt, empowers rather than abuses self and others. It focuses energy on solving problems rather than fighting each other. Provides for commitment form both sides of the conflict and increases productivity. It also encourages creativity and optimism in people.

Maria Di Martino
Professional counsellor & Life coach.

Adopting a win/win approach to relationship conflict

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